Archive for the ‘Week 1’ Category

Ike Beats Ubes!

I have to say that I had that headline written when Ike Turner broke his first big run and never looked back. A Schwartz Star of David is born as Ike Turner treated the Ubermen like someone he loved. Despite loosing Tom Brady for the season, X made sure that the ring ceremony for his squad was still something to celebrate by the crackling fire in the after-lounge game. This game, always a high scoring affair, featured a strong comeback from the Ubes, but they could not withstand the pounding from a revamped X ground attack where little men with short bodies plunged through the Uber-Defense line and threw haymakers from every direction. While the Ubes watched their latest super weapon go for two TDs, they had no answers for Jerry’s kids because these champs have a language all their own called victory. Eli Manning will need to come to the forefront of Xdom and lead the squad for the year. For the Ubes, rookie Matt Forte has announced himself and created yet another backfield PT 3 Play, so coach Payton will have to make the right choices each week. Since he’s dead, he might have the time do so. For now, X handed the Ubes their laundry and asked them to take care of the dry cleaning bill – Extra starch please Ubes, extra starch.


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Riders Ravage Bugs!

The Bug came into the Stadium with their new uniforms, cheerleaders and a cute little Volkswagen with a horn tied to the top playing theme music. The Riders were waiting with a bucket full of Prom Blood from Carrie and ruined the dress they put on the Bugs and did them dirty in. What a way to start the season. I guess the Stache was a LITTLE upset after loosing out at a shot at ring number 3 last year. Drew Brees and David Patten got the party started with shots to the dome, in the dome, and Hines Ward earned himself one of those sandwich with everything stacked in the middle – you know, the ones with coleslaw and french fries they always show when they play Steeler games on TV. The Riders did Clockwork Orange war dances around a Bug team that struggled to find their footing only to discover that they were in the trunk of an old Datson driving up the I95 to Buffalo to have their organs sold on the black market for chicken wings. The Riders snuck Drew Brees out of the draft people and you let him do it. If LT comes around and stays away from injuries, the Riders will be looking at you in your mirror reflections ALL YEAR LONG.

Bug Classroom, early Monday Morning:
Bug Child: Mr. Bug, aren’t you happy Adrian Peterson is playing tonight so we can see our new, expensive purple toy?
Mr. Bug: The Bugs don’t play with toys.
Bug Child: But Mr. Bug! You told us we were going to have FUN this year, remember?
Mr. Bug: I’m getting tired of you little Bug Child, please go back to the corner and run in place until I say stop.
Bug Child: But my condition Mr. Bug, I have a note from home!
Mr. Bug (leaning in close) BUG CHILD! We have no home. Get in the corner so I can figure things out.

It’s only week one, but it’s tough to recover from running out on top the field and getting Mule Kicked. We’ll see what this coach is made of week 2, but for now, this one belongs to the Riders. Whiskey baths for all, but you won’t get clean if you take one. That may, in fact, be the point.

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Rooks Make Lics Howl

I’m going to say this right now so The Schwartz will be on record. The Rooks are going to win the Belt this year. You read it here first. Perhaps I got a hold of some bad Calamari, but I had a vision last night while sitting in shallow waters outside the French Riveria. 5 mermaids wearing warrior helmets build a sandcastle and decorated the moat with a championship belt. From their belly buttons shot little rook chess pieces. Ya heard?  The Rooks started their season by going with Big Ben and sitting Carson. A coaching decission that proved to be the wise one. Though Ricky couldn’t do much, Brian Westbrook took the rock for the Rooks and smashed it upside the head of the staggering Lics. With 12 points from his Steel City Lunchbox crew, the Castle dwellers laughed at the pansy boys from San Francisco trying to look like a football team. Never lead with your heart Lics, it’s fantasy doom. More on that later. The the Castle flames burn bright as the villagers pool their community oil to keep the lamps lit. Looks like everyone is pitching in from Rookland this year to bring the coach his ring.

Wolf Dog Barking, No
Your eyes have water stains big
get off the couch BAD

It’s early my friends, and you know the ‘Lics will fight to the end, but who is going to throw the rock for these guys? More than that, will they realize this is football and not some sand yard in Brazil?

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Krons Disgrace their Pals

What is there to say about an 18-15 game that had no scores from running backs and was decided at the end of another disgusting display of pre pee wee football in Oakland? Only that the Pals, whether they are in the building or on a screen don’t know a thing about football. The Krons sat red-eyed in front of a screen looking for any religion that would take them in, and there, shinning from behind the 1930’s Warner Brothers cartoon mockery of a movie star head, was The Christian, on Sunday Night, playing in a stadium named after an Oil company, was the light that led the Krons to victory over the Pals. The Pals, who were praying for a Raider Miracle. Pal, you will never learn, and until you remove that stench from your squad, last place is where you will be. The Krons live through this one, but not everyone in the league is as sorry as the Pals, so they better find some solutions quick fast.  A win, as the president of the United States says, is after all, a win. The Krons sleep tucked in nice and tight, wiggling those little toes and playing sounds that are sweet only to them, and that’s all that matters, right Krons. Up in Harlem, the kids on the stoops are wondering why this man talks to himself each fall. Falling. Down. 

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